Before I reveal this skill, a word of warning.
If you're looking for someone to hold your hand and tell you the world is happy and loving and honest, this is not the newsletter for you. I'm not going to sugarcoat how the world works. So if you easily get your feelings hurt easily, stop reading now and wait for my next letter which will be about our upcoming student show on March 15.
If you're still reading you're ready to hear about the one skill which will ensure you get paid what you deserve in life, ensure you feel confident to handle yourself in tense situations and provide an aura of confidence that reduces conflict in the first place. This skill isn't easy, but I can tell you after almost five years of experience training this skill that anyone can learn it. Young, old, programmer or ballerina, manager or spiritual guru, this skill is learnable if you are willing to look into yourself and ask some tough questions.
Ok. With all that being said, are you ready? What is this skill?
When most people hear "boundaries" they think of the hard "NO!"s which say "I will never ever under any circumstances do this." This is one type of boundary but these hard boundaries are less than 1% of the boundaries we subconsciously communicate every moment in life.
Most boundaries are a negotiation of responsibility. A boundary says "I do not have responsibility for that" and communicated verbally, visually or simply with your attitude.
Here's an example from a common restaurant situation. I ordered a coffee and a sandwich and the barista hands me my sandwich. I sat down to eat and the cashier brought the coffee to me. Then I drank the coffee.
Simple situation yet there are two other ways this could have played out.
1. I could have waited at the register for my coffee. Then put it on my tray and sat down.
2. When the coffee was ready the cashier could have told me and I would have taken it myself.
By walking away without the coffee I communicate my boundary "I do not have responsibility to wait for this coffee." Had she shouted for me she would be communicating "I do not have responsibility to serve you this coffee." I would then pick up the coffee, confirming her lack of responsibility.
Some people wait for the coffee at the counter. This is often low-status and the non-verbal behavior shows it. They lean their weight against the counter, shifting weight nervously and look down at their hands.
The reason it is low-status and the reason his body follows is he is taking on more responsibility then he should. Rather than relaxing, he takes on the stress of that responsibility. If you have weak boundaries, you will take on more stress. That is why low-status people often have poor posture and increased anxiety.
High-status people on the other hand only take on responsibility for that which they are adequately compensated for (money, loyalty, and access to resources).
Often the reason low-status people exhibit this behavior is because they are worried about the cashier shouting for them to pick-up the coffee. They would view this as threatening and that is why it is low-status behavior. In reality, being told to pick up the coffee isn't a threat, it's a boundary negotiation. High-status is comfortable with boundary negotiations. This is after all, the game of life. That is why they are attractive, respected and given opportunities, because they can handle conflicts and prevent conflicts from happening with their self-assurance. Low-status views conflicts as a threat to their existence. We do not give low-status any resources to handle because it will be taken by people with better boundaries.
No matter how much talent you have, no matter how much value you provide to your company, if you take on more responsibility than you should, if you have weak boundaries, you will not rise. When you have the boundaries that communicates "I only take on responsibility if I am rewarded" then they will reward you. They will come to you with a promotion because they want more value out of you and that is the ONLY way to get it from you. You have won the negotiation and your reward is money, respect and access.
There is no way to fake this transaction. It must come from your core and come with no hesitation, no way to pierce through. Learning the skill of boundaries is simple but not easy and requires a coach to guide you through the subtitles of ensuring you are being assertive and not aggressive with your new habits.
RISE Coaching is now available for those who want to live a strong life of freedom, self-acceptance and receive the rewards worthy of their gifts. Go deep and discover your hidden strengths, while uncovering your limiting beliefs creating barriers to success. Go wide by branching into new skills like improvisation and public speaking. And RISE UP by fighting through the power politics that wants to hold you down.
Yes! Strengthen My Boundaries Today!